I don’t want to use the same joke as I used for my Grammys hangover, but for lack of better words, I hope everybody is recovering from their Oscars hangover. Sorry, I’m only human, and I’m only a layperson who happens to be funny, not a comedian, so sometimes I gotta reuse a joke. I eagerly await your subpoenas! Anyway, last week we had the girls’ trip to Solvang, where Kristen tripped over a table and the guys tried their hardest not to cheat. Who knows what’s in store this week? More PJs, that’s for sure. Honestly, I want to make Lala saying “We on the PJ bitches and none of us paid for it!!!!” my new ringtone.
We open still in Solvang, and Kristen’s wearing a shirt that says “can I talk to you for a sec?” which is so ironic considering she’s about to talk to Katie for a sec. She immediately hugs Katie and apologizes. Katie’s like “this [Kristen getting wasted and volatile and falling] can’t happen” and it’s like… do I need to show you the tape of how you act when Tequila Katie comes out? Because I’ve been working on it for months now. Unsurprisingly, this conversation is not helpful, probably mostly because Katie is involved.
At the Mondrian, the guys wake up to a scene straight out of The Hangover. Schwartz is asleep on the floor for some reason. I’m waiting for a chicken to come walking through. If they lost anybody, I hope it’s Jax.
Ah, false alarm. Jax is like, “I remember when I could just keep going and going.” Yeah, it probably had less to do with your age and more with the cocaine.
In Solvang, the girls are going to a winery/ranch. I know she goes by Lala, but the fact that Lala makes her reservations under “Lala” just bothers me so much. I feel like the wait staff made fun of her the moment she put her name down. She’s not drinking the wine on this trip; she’s just smelling it. Truthfully, I feel like that’s worse.
Brittany isn’t drinking either, and before I could even start a pregnancy rumor, she quickly explains it’s because she was puking her brains out the night before. Look, the only way to do it when you fall off the horse is to get right back on.
Stassi: See, I didn’t even cut Beau’s balls off when he called me saying that there were girls in the hotel room.
The girls are playing cornhole, and much like beer cheese, Brittany is acting like cornhole is a Kentucky delicacy that only exists there. I literally play in a cornhole league in Queens (yes, I am cool, no further comments please); it is not that unique.
Stassi and Kristen hang back to talk about Carter. Apparently he calls Kristen a bitch, so I’m officially cancelling him. I hereby decree it! Stassi is like “you can be with a guy who doesn’t yell at you, who supports you, who appreciates you, and you don’t have to live that way.” Part of me is like “it’s so cute that Stassi is clearly talking about Beau” and part of me is like “people in new relationships are among the worst people on Earth and should not be permitted to give advice.” Kristen’s face is pretty much like mine when someone tells me “love comes when you least expect it.” In other words, this:
Kristen: It’s like I have a teenage son playing video games in my basement sometimes.
Okay, F*CK CARTER! This dude is like every bad boyfriend you read about on r/relationships who sits at home and plays video games all day and calls his girlfriend selfish when she asks him to take out the trash one time. Get him off the show; he should not be able to benefit from Kristen any more. Wow I never thought I would say this but I feel bad for Kristen. Then again, should we be surprised that a guy who looks like a teenager without a beard (Google it) acts like an entitled teenager? I mean yes, we should—men should be held accountable for their actions—but you get what I’m saying.
Anyway, at TomTom, Lisa tells the Toms she brought in a mixologist to look over the cocktails Sandoval sent over to basically approve everything.
Sandoval: I’m sure she’s talented but we spent months working on these cocktails.
Yeahn but she’s spent years working on cocktails.
Lisa telling Sandoval TO HIS FACE that he’s not a mixologist is the best thing I’ve heard in my life. You know it killed him inside. Just goes to show you, you can bring a bar kit “wherever you go” (that I have never once in seven seasons seen you carrying anywhere, but ok), but it does not make you a mixologist.
Oh I’m so glad Ariana’s horseback riding has become an unnecessary storyline again, because the girls are all riding horses. I lied, that wasn’t really a focus, I just wanted to bring that up. And remember the sketch comedy?
Stassi and Lala go off to the side to talk, and Lala breaks down about her dad dying. Okay, look, why have I cried twice this episode? I did not sign up for this.
Apparently Randall called Lala’s dad before he died to ask permission to marry her. GUYS STOP, WHY AM I CRYING? I don’t even like Randall.
Jax, Tom, and Tom meet up for part two of their staycation, and Jax says, “If you don’t have a cocktail on the menu, what have you brought to TomTom?” TRUE. It’s funny that Lisa is boasting that TomTom will have the best cocktails in WeHo because I’ve heard that their drinks are terrible.
Sandoval: If our drinks don’t end up on the menu, then I don’t know if I can be a partner.
Schwartz has an existential crisis at the thought of having to do something by himself, without Tom. I mean, we all know it’s fake buildup and it’s going to end up totally fine, but sure, let’s entertain this for the next…30 minutes? F*ck.
The girls are back at work super tired—what a coincidence that they all got scheduled to work the exact same shift!!
James and Raquel are at some Equality California event where James is DJing and Billie Lee is giving a speech. James and Lisa talk like two exes who ran into each other accidentally: “how are you?” “Fine thanks, you?”
James tries to bring up CU Next Tuesday and Lisa is like “it’s too soon”. James has been in therapy for like, what, two weeks at this point?
Stassi tells Beau that she’s mad at him for “bringing around a bunch of whores” to guys’ night which is funny because when James calls women whores he gets fired from his job, but when Stassi does it we’re supposed to laugh?
Glad to know that Beau doesn’t wear pajamas because he gets a “wind boner”. Can any men reading this recap confirm wind boners are a thing? By the way, Stassi lying on the couch hungover in sunglasses is my full mood. When you go out on a Monday night, the week can only go up from there.
I’m not even bothering to recap Katie and Schwartz’s conversation about the cocktails. Is Katie really telling Schwartz his cocktails are delicious when Schwartz has only bartended at Pump one time before having a panic attack and leaving? I’m over this show.
Everyone shows up to Kristina Kelly’s party, and Carter and Kristen are already fighting before they even get out the car.
Carter: I love you
Kristen: *crosses herself*
Yeah, that’s how I feel anytime a man expresses genuine interest in me also!
Kristen tells Carter that she doesn’t like that he yells at her and barks at her and curses at her and Carter is basically like “k”. Ohhhh Carter is officially the worst! Kristen and Carter have been to therapy twice in four months and he says the therapist has been on his side?
Lala shows up to the barbecue and pulls like what every person at the end of dry January pulls: she announces she’s having a drink. Is she also going vegan?
Scheana: Maybe things aren’t so great in Lala Land, I don’t know.
And with that comment, Scheana earns her rightful place on this show.
TomTom happens (that’s all I care to add at this time), and Lisa asks Sly if she liked any of their cocktails.
Sly: Am I tied to a lie detector?
And after lots of fake suspense…10 of Sandoval’s cocktails make it onto the menu! All ten. After like 30 minutes of fake buildup, of course Sandoval is not abandoning his one claim to relevance. Could I have the last half hour of my life back? I’m petitioning Bravo.
At the BBQ, Lala pulls Brittany and Katie aside to tell them that she’s not sure about her relationship with Randall. She’s being very vague, but apparently she came home from Solvang and Randall was wasted. Yeah I’d be pissed too if I gave up alcohol for my “man” (vomit) and said man got blacked out. Like, I will give up alcohol for no man, but I understand how she’s feeling. Also dude, you’re like, almost 50. Should you be blacking out at that age?
Lala starts crying and Brittany is like “What’s happening?” Lol what do you mean, she is crying!
Lala announces she and Randall are on a break. So Randall took her Gucci slides and said “I want you to remember”?? That’s f*cking dark. What a yikes moment. He claimed he blacked out because Lala has been acting “harsh” lately. You f*cker, her dad just died! Have a little sympathy! Literally I, a completely objective third party with absolutely no personal interest in the matter, am treating Lala with more respect than her own fiancé. Also, Randall is so old, I am gobsmacked that he cannot relate to the loss of a parent. Lala, this is who you’re choosing as your life partner?
Me to Lala in Killmonger voice: Is this your man???
Lala: Guess what honey, there’s a lot of dick for me to suck to get on a PJ. You just need to have a mouth, it doesn’t matter what you look like.
Lol um, another insightful comment from Lala Kent! I’m not gonna lie, I’ve considered it. What! Don’t tell me you’ve never gotten to that point in your pay cycle where you consider a profile on Seeking Arrangement!
And that’s it for this episode! Not gonna lie, the midseason trailer looks liiiit. I cant’t wait for Sandoval’s meltdown when he calls Katie a bully. Gonna be tight!
Images: Giphy (3)
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